I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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