new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
