so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
