the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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