I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
then he tried to convert me to islam
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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