i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize