does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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