i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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