You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
