My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
