You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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