What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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