i will never coherently bang her
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
