Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
