My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
