my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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