i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
