I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woke up backwards on a recliner
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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