I met the friendliest cop last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
