you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
