i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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