Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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