I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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