On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
