My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
