On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
