i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
