I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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