The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
