Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
