I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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