im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
