Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
