Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
