Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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