I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
