Your dad touched me again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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