Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
