John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
