wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize