I have demons in me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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