I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
