well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
