i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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