I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
