I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
