2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
