I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I met the friendliest cop last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
