I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
