hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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