fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Randomize
