And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
