Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
