I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
