I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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