I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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