she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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