Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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