the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
